This is almost a “very pinteresting” but it doesn’t quite make the cut, because I didn’t really discover the cauliflower pizza crust.

The new year has brought the newly-passionate health addicts to my news feed. “Clean eating” “vegan” “Forks over knives” (like these people have never had to slice up an apple before) and other such hashtags have sprung up like the flowers other parts of the country are probably getting. In addition to all those hashtags there’s a lot of soup, a lot of yoga poses, and a lot of post work-out selfies. I’ve never felt so betrayed by the oversharing tech age as I do now. Apparently there are even multi-level management companies where the product is you as a fitness trainer! Oh 2015, you’re shaping up to be a doozy.

But I don’t hate healthy food, and I love cooking new foods, so when a friend posted a pizza made with a cauliflower crust, Manbeast and I thought it might be a fun way to mix things up and I set about trying to find a recipe. I mostly followed this one from Allrecipes.

Almost all the recipes I came across asked for two things I don’t have: a food processor and cheesecloth. I’ve been trying to find a food processor for years, but they are not frequently found in thrift stores (apparently) and I can’t afford new. A few said that it was possible to use a blender. Well, I threw the raw cauliflower florets in my blender and burned out the motor (and filled our kitchen with smoke, all in under ten seconds). So I used my hand-crank cheese grater to make the rest, then steamed it for about ten minutes, then I barely let it cool (certainly not the recommended 15 minutes) and mixed the egg, cheese, pepper, garlic, and salt in (I forgot the parsley). Many of the recipes have to draining the excess water from the cauliflower with a cheese cloth. I pounded out my mixture onto my parchment paper/baking sheet and then just dabbed at it with a paper towel. This is probably why it was pretty soft in the middle… not like uncooked, just not firm. Like, when you picked it up like a regular pizza slice, it stayed together but it drooped.

It did taste good, I didn’t use any sauce (forgot) but put cheese, pepperoni, and olives on top. Manbeast adored it. I ate one small slice and said “I really just can’t handle looking at this anymore” and left to go eat a Cadbury creme egg (#seasonaleating #itsaprotein).


The cost of a head of cauliflower is about the same as a store brand frozen pizza. Granted I do get two meals out of the cauliflower, I’ll just steam the other half tonight with dinner, but when you also factor in the two hour prep time… It was not good enough to be worth the effort.

THAT SAID: If I were to do this again, I would cut my florets, steam the cauliflower til it was very soft, and then mash it. I’d make more of an effort to get the extra moisture out too. Manbeast liked this enough that I think it is worth trying again.

I would also like a food processor.


One thought on “Cauli-failure

  1. Highchair Chow says:

    It’s hard to get all moisture out we noticed

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