The Canker Sore

I know, I know. The Hello Waffle review was supposed to be today. I have the swatches done and everything! I’ve been busy with grad school, still riding the high from Sunday [this space left intentionally blank so you can all snicker and make Placebo/drug jokes].

I’ve been overwhelmed in a lot of ways lately. This week I got my first canker sore in months, maybe even over a year. I used to get them monthly but they’ve tapered off since college. My grandmother used to ask me about them regularly. She was always trying to find a solution, always checking in on them. We never found a solution and I always hated being asked about them, it was kind of an “I’ll tell you when I have one” deal.

I can’t tell my grandmother that I have one right now.

“The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.” -Stephen Colbert

Grief is waking up with a canker sore and realizing that no matter how annoying it was, no one will ask you about them again.

Grief is not having anyone send you a Halloween card.

Grief is them not knowing that you got into grad school, it’s not having anyone to call when you feel overwhelmed.

Grief is being fine in one moment and then suddenly you remember that you don’t have grandparents anymore and your world comes tumbling down again.

It is the inability to delete a phone number.

To me, my grief is the size of an ocean, and I am the tiniest boat in it. Sometimes the sea is calm and I am accepting of my presence in it. Sometimes it is tumultuous and I’m afraid of drowning.

Sometimes I cry because there is no one to ask me about my mouth.


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