I Actually Would Like Some Cheese with this Whine

If you’re cranky and you know it… have a friend or loved one make you tea and bring it to you in  your most favorite sheep mug.

My crash is partially related to having overcome the flu and still being saddled with some lingering sniffles and a cough. As someone who eschews shots, it’s particularly frustrating that the one year I do get the flu shot I also got a flu. But that’s my luck, what else can you do about it? The other, more severe, crash factor was a rejection notice for a job I really wanted. I knew I was a long shot, especially since I was informed that there were a lot of applicants (I live in an area with a very high unemployment rate, so ‘a lot of applicants’ is par for the course). On top of that, my living paycheck to paycheck got a lot harder with cut hours. I’m still technically full-time, but as with many retail positions, you get hours based on sales, and grocery store bakery sales are pretty mellow after the holidays. We did have so defectors recently, which should help free up some hours, but I’m basically not making enough to live off of, and that’s hard. It’s also hard having such an insane schedule that I can’t commit any guaranteed hours to a second job, although I did pick up a small on-call position.

The point here is that when I crashed Saturday night at the thought of going to a friend’s party, I basically had a Leslie Knope-esque “I’m laughing because my dream is dead” moment. Despite the fact that I haven’t seen any of these friends in MONTHS (me busy with work, them with grad school, plus many not in town over the holidays) and the fact that there was tasty homebrewed beer, I could not bring myself to put on clothes (that don’t fit me well anymore because living off cheap boxed carbs causes you to gain weight) and socialize with a bunch of grad students talking classes and theory where I am working in a grocery store, unable to find a job where I can even pretend to use my Bachelor’s.

It invigorated my job search, but the area I’m in seems to have a massive dearth of opportunities for someone looking for a degree-relevant job. I could get retail positions ten times over, but the kinds of jobs I’m interested are few and far between, and getting snapped up fast.

It means that when Partner finishes his degree, it’s imperative that we leave this area, or else I’ll stagnate and die (hyperbole). Which is a shame, because despite some issues and frustrations, we don’t hate where we live, and we really like the state we’re in (though staying in it might not be feasible, again, jobs). It’s a strange position to be in because I’ve always left places either because I hate them (my hometown/state, the small Asian country I taught English in) or because some force has pushed me out (ie graduating from my beloved undergraduate university and being pushed out of that town). This is the first time I’ll be faced with the CHOICE to stay or go, and I of course have to get cerebral on it.

Being down on yourself takes so much effort, and it’s really hard to expend the effort to pull yourself out of that pit when you’re already drained.

There’s been some good in my life, and I’m going to end this with focusing on the good, because I need to do more of that:

– My little breakdown was not intended as a passive aggressive slam at my Partner’s employment status, but it did seem to add an extra bit of encouragement to him to find secondary employment so that he can contribute more equally to our budget

-Today we’re got bunnies! A moving friend needed to rehome them, and we decided that while not ready to let another guinea pig into our hearts, free rabbits were ok. They’ve settled in nicely, but are pretty tuckered out from 45 minutes of straight exploring

-Got some awesome dresses in ModCloth’s most recent sale. It was money I didn’t really have, but I got outfits I could wear to interviews and in professional settings. They say dress for the job you want, and since I’m required to wear a uniform, I’ll just have to settle for putting those kinds of clothes in my closet.

-I have two more job leads, and my goal today is to finish those applications… though the bunnies might be too much of a distraction!


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